I hate surface conversation.
I prefer to know your dreams and fears.

I’m more of a “I want to shove my hand into your chest and feel your heart beat” kind of girl.

Today I ate chocolate that didn’t even taste good…

And I am just really mixed up inside.  

I’m tired of writing you.  All of you.

But I can feel you burning through my veins,

these words a knife.  

I slit my wrists.

Any emotional stability that I had during the day runs out at about 1am.

After the first time, I am hardly myself. Your words in my mouth. Your music in my ears. And some how I am all teary eyed and this boy gives me hugs like I am something worth holding on to and the truth is that I’ve never believed in that at all.

The second time, I think we always walk away like this. The biggest parts of me, like my swollen heart, hates it. I think you know that. And I skip those songs. I start writing again like I have fire in my veins and my eyes have endured the salt of oceans. And I say yes when people invite me over and I realize that I am always myself somewhere deep inside. I am the only one in the room who cares about her sobriety but I am still having fun because no one hands me a drink and somehow it feels like they are telling me that I can be whatever I want to be.
And I am.

I am listening to sad songs in bed and I’m sorry.
I’ve always been a little bit sorry for everything.

Actions speak louder than words but at heart I’ve always wanted to be a writer. So give me some words for the sake of all we’ve been through, say it out loud. Tell me you want me to come back. Tell me to stay. Tell me what this is worth.
If anything. I will hold it like the sky holds the stars.
I will stay.
I will stay.

Tell me like I do not owe you an apology.

Sometimes I re-read the things I’ve written and the stories don’t feel like real life, but I’ve been living it lately.

Life has never felt this full to me.  

A person is much more emotional when tired.

I just happen to be exhausted.  

Fact: Every single time I have needed my best friend she has been there.  

Yes, I did just eat an entire chocolate bunny for the sake of being a little bit sad.